


Horizon

by yuggie_yuggie



Series: Solos (of Changkyun and his trysts) [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Nail Polish, Pining, but not really, horizon - Freeform, just surreal?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-06
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-05 05:02:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,736
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25108921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuggie_yuggie/pseuds/yuggie_yuggie
Summary: Changkyun lets himself watch as his hyung sits on the floor, and gently cleans away at the edges of his polish.He feels like he should say something.He doesn’t. No even a thank you when Kihyun finally leaves without a word.-[inspired by Horizon by I.M; written in July of 2020]
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Yoo Kihyun
Series: Solos (of Changkyun and his trysts) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1816906
Kudos: 28





	Horizon

Changkyun’s members think it’s strange. They think that he’s strange, but when have they not? 

He knows what they think about the biting, the ‘gaming while naked’ habit, the tattoos, the piercing, and now the polish. 

They think he’s going to come out or break down or something. He isn’t dense, he likes to think, and of course he notices.

It’s starts as Jooheon and Minhyuk, dragging him out to places, to restaurants, to cafes, to parks, to places they would normally call their own. Changkyun isn’t so sure it’s helping. He feels like an intruder.

And they won’t stop glancing at his nails.

“So, did you have you fun today?” Minhyuk asks through thinly veiled trepidation, masked with overenthusiasm that Changkyun - with his years of experience with these idiots - can see right through.

He shrugs. “It was nice.”

Apparently that’s all it takes because they visibly deflate, and start ranting about the places they could go tomorrow and the day after that and then the week after and-

His grins painfully when they suggest both a dog and a cat cafe in the same day, and forces down a sigh. All this for cheap, convenient store polish.

* * *

It’s Hoseok that tells him to write a song.

Hoseok tries to play it off nonchalantly, but he’s always been a sappy person at heart, and worry seeps through. “We’re going on tour, so it would be good for us to release some solo songs. It’s been a while since your last, right?”

“Right.”

“Maybe you could do it in english? Something for the international audience, right?”

“I could.”

Hoseok tries to pretend he’s looking at his phone, but the screen is blank and they both know it. “Write something. I heard it’s good for...therapy purposes.” He quickly adds, “Since you’re tired, that’s all.”

Changkyun plays along, because at the core of his being he loves his hyungs, no matter how stupid they’re being. “Sure, could be nice.”

And when the singer breathes a sigh of relief, Changkyun starts to think his hyungs should never play poker.

They’ll all go bankrupt.

* * *

_ Changkyun is near the front of the line when he spots the display. It’s pink, plastic, and also an ad for some cereal slash energy bar, but it holds polish. Rows upon rows of shimmery, colourful polish in what he assumes are glass bottles. _

_ They’re so pretty, he thinks. _

_ He looks away, and places his items on the counter because it’s his turn, and he’s really craving a cookie right about now. _

_ The employee takes a while to scan them, and so he taps his foot to distract himself. He feels drawn to the display, which is silly because it’s just polish. And it’s even sillier because if it’s just polish, why is he so afraid to reach for a bottle? _

_ It’s just 3,000 won. Not a big deal. _

_ No, not at all. _

_ He tells himself it’s to prove it’s not a big deal, and only to prove it’s not a big deal, when he gently slides a bottle of black and some acetone across the counter, right next to the bottle of coffee.  _

_ The cool Seoul air suddenly warms, because why else are his cheeks reddening? _

_ The speed at which he rushes out the doors when he finally has his bag in his hands is embarrassing. _

* * *

Surprisingly, management is fine with his nails, even more so than his members.

“They said it could be a nice image, maybe a point of interest,” says Hyunwoo at dinner.

“They did?” Changkyun asks, even if he isn’t surprised.

“It’s less drastic than the tattoos for sure, and it suits our concept, so they’re fine with it. And I think they’re pretty, Changkyun-ah.” Hyunwoo smiles encouraging, because apparently it’s needed now.

“I think they’re pretty too.” Hoseok smiles and places a hand on his shoulder.

Changkyun can’t help but feel his heart warm at their concern, because look at far they’ve come since No Mercy? It’s soft and fills his entire chest.

But then he remembers the reason for their concern, and the fluffiness fades.

“I think they’re pretty too, but I got them done so I guess that’s a given,” he says slowly, trying to get them to understand the underlying meaning here.

They give each other glances, and Changkyun already knows they’ve made another leap.

Jooheon smiles too, and Changkyun groans internally. “Of course they’re pretty, and that’s okay, right guys?”

Various mutters and hums of agreement come from the members, except for Kihyun who seems to be glaring lasers into Changkyun’s hands.

He would describe the way his heart drops is akin to the sun crashing into the ocean - and not necessarily in a terrible way - if he were poetic. Which, would you know it, he isn’t.

But he _is_ a lyricist.

* * *

Hyungwon thinks he needs more sleep, for god knows why, and even drags him to the bedroom for cuddles more nights than not.

Not that Changkyun minds the skin ship, because it’s comforting, but it’s also the middle of summer and fucking hot. With so many bodies in one room and a semi-functioning air conditioning unit, it was lukewarm at best. Without blankets.

But Hyungwon happens to have a habit of being a clingy koala when he sleeps, and soon Changkyun finds himself dripping in sweat. It matts his hair to his forehead. It costs the top of his lip uncomfortably. It makes him start to smell like something he would really like to avoid.

He sighs, and brushes his bangs back.

He glances over at his hyung. Hyungwon sleeps like the dead, so it shouldn’t be too hard to maneuver away, right?

Right.

Changkyun wriggles a bit first, then lifts a leg off. Hyungwon shuffles, smacking his lips, then goes back to stillness. He then lifts an arm off, and cheers internally when his hyung seems to still be in deep sleep.

Mission accomplished.

He sits up slowly, determined to not make any noise. 

“Changkyun? Are you going somewhere?” Hyunwoo’s voice calls out, trying to pass off as nonchalant. Somehow, he woke up the leader, and there is no backing up now.

“Uh,” he scratches his head. Why the hell is he so nervous? He isn’t doing anything wrong. “I’m going back to my own bed? It’s pretty hot sharing with Hyungwon hyung.”

“Oh. Okay then. I just thought-“ he bites his lip “-never mind.” His leader laughs softly. “Good night, Changkyun-ah.”

“Goodnight.”

And if Hyunwoo and Hyungwon both look extremely relieved at Changkyun showing up for breakfast tomorrow, it just confirms his poker theory.

Yup. They are never going to Vegas.

* * *

He gets asked why he paints them on a show, and his members perk up almost immediately, ears straining to hear his answer. Even Kihyun.

He says it’s for avoiding dirt.

They laugh it off, and that seems to be that.

Maybe they’re just desperate for an explanation they deem reasonable so they can stop stressing. Maybe it’s something else. Changkyun is grateful nonetheless.

The questions stop.

* * *

_ Changkyun hides in his studio, and triple checks the lock before he slumps in his chair. He feels excitement for no reason at all as he dumps his haul onto the table. _

_ He feels like a teenager sneaking some alcohol into their room. _

_ He sets the coffee and snacks aside, suddenly no longer hungry, and straightens the polish bottle, turning so that the label is facing him. _

_ MOD, it says, for juicy nails. _

_ Well, he doesn’t know about wanting juicy nails but the liquid is impossibly shiny, and he wants to see it out of the bottle. _

_ The lid gives him a bit of grief, held down by cheap glue that finally gives way when he wraps his hand in a cloth to increase the friction. It opens with a pop, and the smell of whatever chemicals are in it fill the studio. He can’t stop smelling it for a while, then he reminds himself that huffing is bad. So he pulls away, and gently removes the brush from the bottle. _

_ The bristles are clear, that much he could tell through the black sheen of the polish coating them and the dim, purple haze of his studio. He noticed that one is bent, and he tries to push smooth it down. _

_ Too late, his finger tips are now covered in polish, and the bristle is still bent. He shoves the lid back on and searches for a tissue.  _

_ Should he even be doing this? _

_ It’s just a silly obsession, he tells himself, and so he screws the lid back on and shoves the bottle in a drawer. _

_ He tries not to think about it. _

* * *

Kihyun is the only one who hasn’t said anything, and it’s been months. Maybe that’s good, but Changkyun feels a pang of worry.

Kihyun has always been a traditionalist, just look at how he reacted to the naked gaming debacle, so he might not exactly approve.

The sun of his heart crashes into the ocean - which in the metaphor should be Kihyun, or the general feeling of dread - again, and this time, it isn’t as pretty.

* * *

_ “Fuck it,” Changkyun murmurs to himself and swipes the brush across his nail. The relief he feels at the contact is indescribable, like he just broke through a piece of himself. The stroke is crooked, and spill slightly onto his cuticle. It’s far from perfect. _

_But it’s so shiny, so impossibly shiny and cosmic and he love_ s _the way it makes him feel._

_ His eyes cross as he kneels on the studio floor, lip poked out in concentration on this small task. A stroke here. A stroke there. _

_ It’s far from a perfect job when he finally pulls away, but he feelsstrange sense of pride at the chill seeping through his nail. He did it.  _

_ See? It wasn’t so bad, he wants to tell himself. _

_So he paints another, and another, and soon his whol_ e _left hand is covered in shiny black polish, and he feels pretty. If he is to do this again, he would get some Q-tips, and possibly add another coat._

_ Because there definitely will be a next time. _

* * *

Changkyun is sitting on his bed when Kihyun walks through the door, still dressed from their schedules early today.

“Hyung? Aren’t you going to change?”

Kihyun shakes his head. “It’s okay, I actually came in here to, uh, talk to you?”

“Oh...kay.” Changkyun sits straighter, and slides his phone under his pillow. “What is it?”

He looks around the room for a few moments, nose scrunching at the messy bed sheets and disorganised desks. He takes a seat on the floor, in front of Changkyun. “It’s actually about the nails.”

The sun drops now, instead of crashing like it has been for the past months, as if losing all motivation. The horizon where the light meets the water explodes into violent, pretty colours.

The water sucks away all the warmth of the sun, like nail polish on his skin and on his lungs.

“Do they bother you? Because-“

“No!” Kihyun is quick to interrupt. “Well, they do bother me a little. Just-just give them to me, will you?” His words come out as a grumble.

Changkyun slides his hands forward, eyebrows raised. To his surprise, Kihyun pulls a small bottle of acetone from his pocket and a handful of Q-tips.

“Woah!” He recoils his hands. “What are you-“

“Relax.” His hyung takes them back forcefully. “Look at these edges, maknae. You’re so messy, I swear.”

Changkyun is speechless. Because his hyung, his Kihyun hyung, the one who dishes out heavy-handed punishments and no qualms about giving them an earful even in public, is being so gentle right at the moment. He isn’t mean, it’s a little forceful for sure, but definitely not mean.

He lets himself watch as his hyung sits on the floor, and gently cleans away at the edges of his polish.

He feels like he should say something.

He doesn’t. No even a thank you when Kihyun finally leaves without a word.

* * *

Now that he thinks about it, he really should write a song. He hasn’t done any solos for a while, and he’s been meaning to cash in on that collaboration with his friend.

Now if he only has some inspiration.

It’s there. It’s right there. It’s a feeling, but a feeling isn’t enough to make a three to four minute track. 

He groans, and unscrews the cap of an iced tea. It’s sweet, painfully so, but he knocks it back anyways. He taps his nails along the side of the bottle, which reminds him to repaint them. 

It takes him precisely another four minutes and fifty-three seconds before realising he isn’t getting any writing done that night, so he turns his sights back to his nails.

They’ve grown out.

But he really doesn’t want to ruin Kihyun’s work.

He reaches for the acetone, and slowly, methodically, remove the polish off of each nail. It hurts somehow, like ruining a masterpiece.

When that’s done, he reaches for his bottle, and try as he may, he just can’t place the brush on his nail. It feels wrong, to the depth of his core, like he’s cheating.

Changkyun stares at his phone, and it taunts him, surface a similar gloss, impossibly shiny like his polish. He inches closer.

Kihyun arrives at his studio twenty minutes later, just like he said he would.

* * *

A few nights later, when he finally finds the time, Changkyun writes Horizon.

He finds the words to describe his sun crashing into the ocean.

* * *

The first one he shows is Jooheon.

“That’s a bit lewd, isn’t it?”

Changkyun pinches his mouth together, and tilts his head side to side to loosen the knots. “It’s not graphic or anything.”

“Still a lot of innuendos, and ‘make me wet by your under’ isn’t exactly non-graphic. The fans are going to go crazy.”

“Exactly.”

Jooheon ponders for a moment, then shrugs. “If management is fine with it, then sure. It’s a good song, honestly, and with Elhae, right? That American friend of your’s?”

“Elhae,” Changkyun confirms.

“Let’s move on to Scent then.”

“Sure.”

They move on, but Changkyun isn’t as nervous. Horizon has his heart and soul and hidden, dirty feelings in it, an ode if you will. And Scent is just a song he made, because he was feeling particularly angsty after an episode of some drama Minhyuk was into.

So Changkyun isn’t exactly paying attention when Jooheon points out the spots that need reworking, and the older rapper notices.

“Changkyun? You there?”

He snaps out of his thoughts. “Yeah.”

“Mind telling me what has you so occupied?”

Changkyun thinks for a moment, but figure it can’t hurt to say. It’s been weighing on his chest for so long, and as cliche as it seems, he wants someone to share it with him. “Horizon is for someone.”

“Oh? Well I hope you know you can’t, well, you know.”

Of course he knows. Being in this industry means sacrificing privacy and normality, of course he knows. The fact that Jooheon thinks he doesn’t is frankly insulting, if it wasn’t laced with so much concern.

He isn’t allowed to fuck the imaginary girl, or in his case, Kihyun. A member and a fan is very different, maybe even worse in some ways.

But Jooheon doesn’t need to know that.

“Yeah, yeah. I know. It’s just something I needed to write, okay?”

“I get that.” And Jooheon has such a far away look in his eye that Changkyun wraps him in a hug.

* * *

Kihyun is less than pleased at the raunchiness of the lyrics, of course, and even less pleased at the borderline moans at the beginning.

Changkyun can’t bring himself to care, because he exhausted all his feelings into this song. It’s done, and his feelings are locked away in a three minute track forever.

It’s so pretty, and he likes that it has something physical to it now.

Maybe he’s okay with what they have. He wants more, or maybe he doesn’t.

He doesn’t know, and it definitely doesn’t help when Kihyun holds his hands every other week with such raw tenderness, just to do his nails. His heart jumps at the intimacy, but Kihyun is always stoic, always put together, and neither of them really know anymore.

And they never acknowledge it either.

**Author's Note:**

> Something about this really makes me feel like it didn’t happen at all, you know? What even did I write? Who knows. I definitely don’t.
> 
> Note: This is definitely in an alternate reality than Scent. Same universe, just different possibilities and choices.


End file.
